Matt's Thoughts On...

Suicide

I spent nearly 10 years wishing I would die. I was so depressed. I didn't want to really be dead. I wanted to be out of my pain. It feels like your best option is to die. Can you imagine how bad things must be to think that death is better than living? People ask me, "What kept you here?" You have to have a reason not to die. Some people don't have anything in their head to want to live for. Some people's minds are so clouded that death seems like the best option. They may see a future out there somewhere but they don't feel they can do the work to get there. Everyone's reasons to live are different. But you have to have a reason.

I saw no hope at one time. It's going through one day at a time. You've got to worry about one day at a time until you get better enough to start even thinking about the future. As soon as you get good enough for that one day at a time, move on to a day and a half. You can't worry about the future too much. As stupid as it sounds, if you are in the state of mind like that, you can't worry about it. You have to worry about staying alive right then and there. You want to die. That's something I've gone through. Every day I'd think of a reason I did want to die, but there's always that one other piece of you that wants to live and figure out if it can get better, if it will get better. What could happen the next day that would just be extraordinary to KEEP you going on. That's the piece you always have to look at.

If I'm a kid and want to die, it's all about that one night. Just what's going on then and how you can help them. Be there with them. When that was me I was living my life the way I had to. I was reacting to what's going on. I wasn't thinking about future consequences. You're at that point where the future doesn't matter. You are worried about that one moment and you are going to react any way you can to just keep going. My parents were there to comfort me that's all I wanted from them. No matter how much I would say that I didn't, all I wanted was just to know someone was there for me, but not right next to me, but not too far away either. There for you if you need them, but not crowding your space.

If my mother did not do all the work she had done for me and the rest of my family I would never be where I am at today. I probably would not even be alive to be honest with you. She has helped me through good times and hard times. She has always been there for me. Parental support has got to be one of the biggest keys.

I know there are kids out there who don't have supportive families. We have to find a way to help parents and families so they can be there for their kids.

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